PS 3531 
■A28 W3 
1916 
»opy 1 




DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 8 8 

After the Game, 2 acts, \ l / A 

hrs. (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 4 

American Hustler. 4 acts, 2*4 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 4 5 
As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2Y 2 hrs (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 254 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) . . 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(25c) . . 7 4 

College Town, 3 acts, 2K 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. 

(25c) 17 14 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs. . 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 2*4 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2V 2 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr....(25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, \y A h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, l l / 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 6 

Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Fascinators, 40 min .(25c) 13 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

li/ 2 hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2# 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
Jayville Junction, iy 2 hrs.(25c) 14 17 
Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2 l /x hrs (25c) 6 12 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2*4 h. . (25c) 9 4 



M. F. 

Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2 l / A hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes^ 1 hr.(25c)13 
Lonelyville Social Club, 3 acts, 

\y 2 hrs (25c) 10 

Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 5 2 

Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 9 5 

Mirandy's Minstrels. ... (25c) Optnl. 
New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, \\i hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

\]/ A rhrs (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

2y 2 hrs (25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2*4 

hrs (25c) 10 12 

School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1^4 hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 
Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2y% h. 8 3 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 

Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Tony, The Convict, 5 acts, 2 l / 2 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Torp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.(25c) 6 4 
Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 6 3 

Trip to Storyland, 1*4 hrs. (25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2% hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town, 3 acts, 2*4 hrs. (25c) 5 3 
Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 
Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 

Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3' 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 

Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 
Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 154 W. Randolph St. .Chicago 



WANTED: A COOK 

A COMEDY 

FOR ONE MAN AND SIX WOMEN 



BY 

EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON 

II 

AUTHOR OF 

r A Prairie Rose" "A Bums Rebellion" "As a Woman Thinketh" 
"The Class Ship" "The Graduate's Choice" "Winning a 
Widow" "Hypnotising a Hypnotist" "Sister An- 
gela" "The Commencement Manual" etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 

till k0 



P5 353I 

WANTED: A^OK 



CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Hunt A Lady in Search of a Cook 

Biddy .An Irish Girl 

Gretchen A German Girl 

Helga A Norwegian Girl 

Dinah A Negress 

Susan Samantha .An American "Cook-lady" 

Hop Lee A Chinaman 

Note. — The character of Hop Lee can easily be assumed by a 
girl, if it is not desirable to have a man in the cast. 



Scene — A Room in Mrs. Hunt's Home. 



Time — The Present. 



Time of Playing — Tzuenty Minutes. 



STORY. 



Mrs. Hunt, who has advertised for a cook, is visited by 
six different applicants, each of whom seems so impossible 
that the lady, in desperation, resolves to be her own cook. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

A housekeeper's trials. Biddy to the chase. "Praties, 
praties, praties/' Helga is considered far too pretty "to do 
at all," and Dinah is quite too healthy, while Gretchen 
knows too little English, and Samantha too much American. 
Hop Lee is confident that he can "makee Melican ladee likee 
velly much," but she is deaf to his appeal and resolved to 
fix her own bread and milk, if need be. "I wonder what 
Harry will say !" ^ 



COPYRIGHT, 1916, BY EBEN H, NORRIS 

@GI.D 43893 

MAY 13 1916 



fl 



I 



WANTED: A COOK. 



CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 

Mrs. Hunt — House dress, refined and elegant. 

Biddy — Dark green dress, with hat much trimmed in 
green. Rather fleshy. Carries bundle. A good-natured, 
motherly face, somewhat red. 

Gretchen — Short bright red dress, darker bodice, laced 
with black cord. Wooden shoes. 

Helga — Blue dress with many ruffles and buttons. Very 
light hair in long braid. Bright innocent blue eyes, wide 
open. Shuffles feet in walking, moves and talks very slowly, 
pronouncing each syllable as though it were the last. Tall 
and slender, with child-like manner. Carries carpet-bag. 

Dinah — Very large, very black, very strong. Bright col- 
ored dress, flashy jewelry, many flowers and ribbons of 
many colors on hat. Carries bundle in large red bandana 
handkerchief. 

Susan Samantha — Very dressy and stylish., much jew- 
elry. Walks briskly, with dominant air. Chews gum con- 
tinually. Carries suitcase, umbrella, handbag, hatbox, etc. 

Hop Lee — May be given by either girl or boy. Loose 
suit of white linen. Black hair in long queue. 



STAGE SETTING AND PROPERTIES. 

This play was so written as to be given on any platform, 
with no setting but a table and two chairs. Newspaper, purse, 
notebook, pencil and money required for Mrs. Hunt ; carpet- 
bag for Helga; bundles for Biddy and Gretchen; parcel 
wrapped in red bandana handkerchief for Dinah ; suitcase, 
hatbox, handbag with notebook and pencil, and watch, for 
Samantha; pipe with very long stem, and stew-pan of odd 
shape for Hop Lee. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; L. y left. The actor is 
always supposed to be facing the audience. 



WANTED: A COOK 



Scene : A room, entrance R. and L., furnishings to suit 
convenience. It may be given on any platform merely re- 
quiring a table and tzvo chairs. 

At rise Mrs. Hunt discovered sitting beside table. 

Mrs. H. How hard it is to find a suitable servant now- 
adays! And how much harder it is to know how to keep 
one when you do get hold of her. Ever since Anna thought 
she had to leave me just for the sake of getting married, 
foolish girl! — it seems that I have had just one string of 
cooks after another, and not one of them stayed long enough 
for me to get acquainted with her. Harry says I always 
have three cooks — one going, one here and one coming. 
But it seems to me that I never have any at all. Oh, dear, 
dear, dear ! I do hope my advertisement in the Times this 
morning will bring me a good American girl at last. Harry 
just won't stand for foreign help — says he can't translate 
the food they serve. (Takes newspaper from table.) Let 
me see. How did the notice read? (Turns to advertisement 
and reads:) "Wanted — A Cook. Must be" — (bell rings 
loudly off R. Mrs. H. jumps up, dropping paper.) Ah! 
There's someone now. 

Enter Biddy, R., with bundle. 

Biddy. Sure, now, and is this here the place where yez 
was afther advertisin' in the paper for a cook, mum? 

Mrs. H. Indeed it is. Are you a cook ? 

Biddy. A cook, is it? Sure, now, and it's mesilf as is 
the best thing in the shape of a cook, jist, as iver hilt a 
skillet in her two hands, mum, at all, at all. 

Mrs. H. (aside). And Harry would never be satisfied 
for a moment with an Irish cook in the house, I'm sure. 
(Aloud, hesitatingly.) Are you sure you — 

Biddy. Och, sure, an' it's jist mesilf as is that same, 

4 



WANTED: A COOK. 5 

(Puts down bundle as though question was settled.) And 
what shall I be af ther a-cookin' yez for supper ? 

Mrs. H. (sits with troubled air). But where have you 
cooked before, please? 

Biddy. Why, sure, mum, in ould Oirland. (Sits com- 
placently, as for visit.) 

Mrs. H. But where in America before? 

Biddy. In Ameriky, is it? Niver a bit, mum ; niver a bit. 
It's mesilf as jist come over from the ould sod. And it's 
mesilf as is so homesick this day for a soight o' the grane 
that yez couldn't be afther belavin' it, jist. Do be lettin' 
me get some more corn-baf e and cabbage in the pot to give 
mesilf a whiff o' the rale loife, mum. (Jumps up, stands 
hand on hips for orders.) And where may I be afther 
a-findin' the praties, mum? (Looks around room.) 

Mrs. H. I did not want you to get supper tonight, Miss 
— Miss — what's your name? (Takes pad and pencil from 
table as if to write down name.) 

Biddy. There jist ain't no "Miss" to it, mum. Yez can't 
miss me. It's jist plain Biddy O'Shannigan — that's me, 
mum. 

Mrs. H. (with pencil at lip). But you must leave me 
your full name and address, you know, so I can write you — 

Biddy (interrupting with loud laugh). Och, sure, now, 
yez naden't be afther a-botherin' about the loikes o' that, 
mum. Yez won't niver be a-nadin' to write me no litters, 
mum. It's mesilf as'll be afther a-shtayin' right close by 
yez, mum, so yez can foind me wheniver yez be a-wantin' 
to have a word wid me. (Looking around room zvith air 
of getting used to it.) 

Mrs. H. (rising, greatly troubled). But, you see — 

Biddy (reassuringly). It's mesilf as has come to shtay, 
mum. It's me church dress, and me Sunday bonnet I'm 
afther a-wearin', yez see, and me kitchen duds is all here 
on the floor. (Points to bundle.) Hadn't I better be a-puttin' 
them on mesilf, jist, and palin' the praties, and — (begins to 
try to open bundle.) 

Mrs. H. No! 

Biddy (looking up in surprise). But — 



6 WANTED: A COOK. 

Mrs. H. (more emphatically). No! 

Biddy (facing her indignantly, hands on hips). Didn't 
yez wroite in that paper as yez was afther wantin' a cook? 

Mrs. H. (shrinking back in fear). Yes, But — 

Biddy (advancing on her as she retreats). And sure 
now, ain't I a cook? 

Mrs. H. I don't know. I — I — (Biddy steps up threat- 
eningly.) I — guess so. (Biddy, slightly mollified, steps 
back a step.) But — but — (sinking into chair tremblingly 
zvith fright.) What can you cook? 

Biddy (calming down, counting on fingers). Boiled pra- 
ties, fried praties, corn bafe and cabbage, pratie stew, hash, 
inions, raw, fried, boiled or baked, inion soup, cabbage 
soup, corn bafe and pratie soup, and — and — oh, yes, baked 
praties, and stewed praties, and — 

Mrs. H. But you see, we never eat very many potatoes. 
Just my husband and I, you know. And as for corn beef 
and cabbage, or onions in any form whatever — ugh! We 
can't have the odor of it in the house. 

Biddy (astounded). Odor, is it? Odor? There jist ain't 
none o' that shtuff iver mxed in wid me hash, mum. We 
don't niver be afther usin' none o' that sort o' truck in the 
ould counthry. But och! it's the foine shmell it has when 
I gits it in the pot, sure, an' ain't it, jist? (Smacks lips.) 
It's mesilf as shmells it now, and — 

Mrs. H. (rising). But listen. If you come to be with 
us, it will be the dishes that we like that we'll have to ask 
you to cook. 

Biddy. Dishes ? And is it dishes yez cook, over in Amer- 
iky, mum? Sure, now, an' it's mesilf as'll be shtarvin' to a 
shadow, for it's niver the loikes o' Biddy as could be afther 
atin'— 

Mrs. H. We require desserts, salads, entrees, condi- 
ments, garnishes — and — 

Biddy (staring as each word is pronounced) . Och, sure, 
now. Shtop yez tazin' me, mum. It's sure niver the loikes 
o' them hathen things as rale live human Christians 'ud be 
afther atin' ! 

Mrs. H. But it's our daily menu — 



WANTED: A COOK. 7 

Biddy. Me and you ? Oh, no, mum ! Go long wid yez ! 
Sure an' it may be you, if yez be th.at crazy-like, but it's 
niver the loikes o' me! Oi'll go somewhere else, and hunt 
some place for me sarvices as is fit for a clane dacent Oirish 
girl, who has her good old praties siven toimes a day, and 
betwane toimes. (Sings.) "And well kape the pig in the 
parlor, for that is Oirish, too." Sure, an' Oi will jist. 
Good morning to yez, mum. 

Mrs. H. Good morning. (Biddy takes up bundle, exits 
haughtily.) Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I didn't know but I'd just 
have to take her in self-defense. And to have to eat "pra- 
ties, praties, praties" — dear me! 

Enter Helga, R., with carpet bag, looks all around room 
eagerly. 

Helga. Ay tank me ay like it— dees har place — joost as 
soon as ay ban acquainted with myself. 

Mrs. H. Well, well; and who are you? 

Helga. Ay ban Helga. You ban write you need gal. 

Mrs. H. Yes. 

Helga. Ay tanks me ay come be your gal. Yes ? (Smiles 
blandly.) 

Mrs. H. I see. (Aside.) She's too pretty — far too 
pretty. 

Helga. So ay tank it ban taime to maike lattle supper 
like in old Norvagen coontry. No? Ay skol— (starts to 
open bag.) 

Mrs. H. But wait. Where did you come from? 

Helga. Me? Oh, ay ban coom from South Dakoty, on 
my vay from Minnie-soty — 

Mrs. H. But haven't you worked? 

Helga. Oh, yaas. Ay tank ay worked very mooch. 
Now ay skoll — (starts to open bag again.) 

Mrs. H. (aside). She would never do, with that face. 
I'm not a least little bit jealous, but I know my Harry, and— 
(aloud). But I do not think I want a foreign cook. I — 

Helga (innocently). Foreign? Ay tank you ban crazy 
voomans. Ay not forain von bit. Ay ban Norvagen. 



8 WANTED: A COOK. 

Mrs. H. But I do not want a Norwegian girl. I want 
a native American. 

Helga (eagerly). Y-a-a-s. Ay ban 'Mer-i-can — native 
'Merican gal. Ay serve my papers on myself tree months 
gone now. 

Mrs. H. But you wouldn't do — 

Helga. Ay would do yust vhat you ban tell me — 

Mrs. H. But I can't have you — 

Helga (bursting into tears). Oh, dear! oh, dear! Ay 
tank you voomans say bad tengs to Norvagen gal, yust like 
beeg f allar with club ; vhen all the taime ay yumped my yob 
for you, yust cause you need von cook. (Sobs in skirt of 
dress, peeping over now and then to watch effect on Mrs. 
H. Finally sees it is no use and drops skirt.) Ay tank me 
ay go back and vork for goot faller what ban yust like my 
brudder in Norvagen coontry. (Exits weeping.) 

Mrs. H. Poor girl. I'd like to — but I couldn't have her. 
She's a regular baby-faced doll, and there's Harry, and — 
it would never do. 

Enter Dinah, R., with parcel. 

Dinah. Some one done left yo' doah open, Missus, so 
1 corned right in, fo' I done see dat dis h.eah war de same 
numbah as I saw writ out in de advertization, so I jes' done 
knowed yo' must be mighty hungry, an' so I says, "Dinah, 
yo' good-fo'-nothing niggah-woman, what fo' you don' go 
right erlong to do de cookin' fo' de poah lady? 'Pears like 
yo'd hab a h'aht!" So I done bwought mah duds, too, 
honey, 'cause I knowed yo' was mighty anxious fo' some 
good ole hoe-cake and bacon. 

Mrs. H. You look like a good, strong, healthy girl, I'm 
sure; but — 

Dinah. Strong? Why, I could done carry yo' on mah 
back, missus. (Advances to her. Mrs. H. retreats in alarm 
and holds up hands to ward her off. Dinah retreats, laugh- 
ing). I'se suah a mighty healthy chile. 

Mrs. H. (looking her over critically). And are you in- 
dustrious ? 

Dinah (puzzled). Am I — I — I — what yo' done call dat, 



WANTED: A COOK. 9 

Missus ? I don't t'ink dis heah chile am none ob dat. No, 
sah. I jes' done likes to wo'k, and wo'k, and wo'k, Missus, 
to keep from being — in dust with us. I don't git no time 
fo' none ob dat so't ob t'ing. No, sah. 

Mrs. H. And honest ? 

Dinah. Honest? I 'clar now. What yo' done 'sinuatin' 
'gainst dis heah chile, Missus? Honest? Why, I'se so hon- 
est I doesn't draw a long breff in somebody else's house. 
'Pears like I done can't do dat, Missus. 

Mrs. H. (sits). And what can you cook? 

Dinah. Why, honey, dis chile done — 

Enter Gretchen, R., out of breath. Carries bundle. 
Mrs. H. rises. 

Gretchen. Is dot de blaces vh.ere von bapers say ein 
goot cook vas wanted ? — yah ? In de papers I saw dot, und 
1^ have come meinself alreatty. Vot you got ? Colored 
maid? Yah? (Points Dinah.) 

Mrs. H. (glancing uneasily at Dinah). No; I have not 
yet — 

Dinah (cutting in hastily). Oh, yas, Missus. I'se done 
gwine to stay. 

Gretchen. I meinself from Sharmany come. Goot 
sauerkraut I cooks, yet, and de veinervurst shust like every - 
t'ings, I makes, und ach! de lager peers I serves meinself 
already. Yah! 

Dinah (turns on her savagely). But yo' just can done — 

Gretchen (backing aivay). Und you to me say, I do it 
not? Nein! Nein! 

Enter Samantha, R., with great swagger. Carries suit- 
case, hatbox, etc. 

Samantha. Is this the joint where you made a bid for 
a grub-slinger ? I'm the cheese you're peeling you're eyes 
for, take that from me. I'm the swellest piece of cooking 
stuff that ever came down the pike from 'Frisco. Send 
these immigrant freaks a-flying about their knitting, and 
I'll get a move on myself and rustle some grub. (Drives 
Dinah and Gretchen out R.) Go! Hike! Sneak! Skidoo! 



10 WANTED: A COOK. 

(Turns to Mrs. H. and sits.) Now we can sit down and 
talk business. 

Mrs. H. (timidly). Why, I— I— I don't believe I — 

Samantha (commandingly) . Sit down. (Mrs. H. hes- 
itates, but finally is outlooked and sits.) What salary do 
you offer, madam? (Writes notebook.) Hunt's the name, 
I believe? (Mrs. H. nods.) So I gleaned from the adver- 
tisement. What salary did you mention? 

Mrs. H. (timidly). We pay four dollars and a half. 

Samantha. Oh, how dreadful ! Why, I wouldn't look at 
your kitchen for less than ten. 

Mrs. H. But four and half is all we can — 

Samantha. Nonsense. You'll have to make it ten. How 
many in the family, please? 

Mrs. H. (faintly). Only two — myself and my husband. 

Samantha. Oh, my ; that's one too many. I never cook 
for so large a family. When I condescend to assist ladies 
in their kitchens, it is only for myself and my hostess. Your 
husband must get his meals down town. I slave for no man. 
You'll arrange for that, of course ? 

Mrs. H. Why, of course I shall not! The idea! I — 

Samantha. I believe I forgot to tell you that I'm a 
suffragette, madam. I am just from England, where I did 
some mighty fine work, and I've only come across the pond 
to advance our cause. I repeat, your husband will have to 
go, for I seriously object to dogs, children, and men. 

Mrs. H. (angrily). Now, see here; I — 

Samantha. You never said a word about anybody but 
your own individual self in the advertisement. Yes, the 
man must go. 

Mrs. H. (rising indignantly) . I'm afraid you won't suit 
me. I — 

Samantha (rising haughtily) . After looking your dinky 
establishment over, madam, I am sure you won't suit me. 
I'm used to far different environments, let me tell you that. 
I'm no three-f or-a-cent doll baby. Just pay me for my time 
and I'll go. 

Mrs. H. (aghast). Your time? Pay you? Pay? 

Samantha. Certainly. Pay! Do you think a woman 



WANTED: A COOK. 11 

like me would spend one minute of her valuable time with- 
out sufficient remuneration ? Why, in — 

Mrs. H. (interrupting nervously) . But I — 

Samantha (consulting notebook). I began to read your 
advertisement at exactly five minutes and a h.alf before one. 
Of course, I naturally spent some time in considering it. 
Then I dressed myself, packed my suitcase, paid my bill at 
the Aldorf-Wistaria, and came in answer to it. It took me 
some time to find the right place. You really must have 
that number of yours replaced, madam, for I could hardly 
decipher it. And I have been here looking over the situ- 
ation and discussing the proposition with you for quite 
awhile longer. It is now (takes out watch and studies it 
deliberately) — just 6:30. So I have spent in your service 
exactly five hours and thirty-five and a half minutes. As I 
charge fifty cents an hour for my time, you will see, if you 
are good in mathematics, that you owe me exactly two dol- 
lars seventy-nine and three-fifths cents, which is so near 
another cent that we might as well call it eighty, for of 
course I've wasted some time figuring it up. You'd better 
make it two-eighty-five; and hurry, too, before it adds up 
to any more. 

Mrs. H. (starts to protest, but sees the look of determi- 
nation in SamanthVs eyes and yields weakly). I — I — I 
don't think — I — I — yes, I'll pay it. (Goes to table to hunt 
purse, speaks aside.) Anything to get rid of her. I don't 
know but it's cheap at the price. 

Samantha. Of course you'll pay it. I never like to sue. 
It makes so much expense, but — 

Mrs. H. (nervously counting out change). Two-eighty- 
five, you say? Fortunately, I can make the exact change, 
so — here you are. (Hands her money.) 

Samantha. That's a Canadian dime. Can't take that, 
madam. (Gives coin back.) 

Mrs. H. Dear me! Have I another? (Searches purse.) 

Samantha. Hurry up, madam. Time's worth money, 
you know. 

Mrs. H. Here are two nickels. 

Samantha. That will do. (Counts money carefully 



12 WANTED: A COOK. 

again and puts in purse.) Have you a pen h.andy ? I'll write 
you a receipt. 

Mrs. H. Why, I hardly think that will be necessary. 

Samantha. Oh, no extra charge. I always do business 
on business principles. 

Mrs. H. {nervously searching table). But I can't find 
a pen. 

Samantha. Well, just as you say, then. Only don't go 
to blaming me if anything unpleasant comes of it. Ta, ta! 
(Exits R.) 

Mrs. H. (with dignity). Good afternoon. Two dollars 
and eighty-five cents! What will Harry say? Well, I've 
spent more in a less worthy cause and which gave me less 
satisfaction. If she ever saw even the map of England, I'll 
miss my guess. Oh, dear me. Whoever would have thought 
it would be so hard to find a really good cook for just us 
two? Dear Anna! I never seemed to appreciate it when 
I had her in the kitchen so long, but if she was here now — 
wouldn't I just hug h.er? 

Enter Hop Lee, R. 

Mrs. H. Why, who is this ? 

Hop Lee. Hop Lee, good Chinee ! Wantee workee Meli- 
can ladee! Heapee good cookeel 

Mrs. H. But I don't want a man cook. 

Hop Lee. Allee samee good cookee. Makee fine souplee. 
Chop suey. Noodles. Velly fine. 

Mrs. H. But I don't like soup, chop suey, nor noodles.. 

Hop Lee (pulling stew-pan from big sleeve and waving 
over head). Allee samee, velly fine. Hop Lee make Meli- 
can ladee likee velly much. Melican ladee allee samee likee 
— get much used herself to it. 

Mrs. H. (in exasperation). But I don't wish to get used 
to it. (Aside.) He'll be trying to feed me on rats next. 
(Aloud.) I tell you, I— 

Gretchen peeps in at R., Biddy at L. } Dinah at C. 

Gretchen. I vonders who dot feller vos, already, mit der 
long pigtail. 



WANTED: A COOK. 13 

Dinah. Yo' suah ain't done gwine to let dat pig-tailed 
fellah do yo' cookin' f o' you, am yo', Missus ? 

Biddy. Och, sure, now, and what do yez think o' the 
loikes o' that same? It's not mesilf as could iver be 
shtandin' the taste o' me praties wid a hathen cook like that 
(Samantha pushes past Gretchen at R., with superior 
air. Helga sticks head under Dinah's arm at C, smiling 
blandly.) 

Samantha. And have you engaged a cook yet? 

Mrs. H. Yes, yes, I have! 

Each {pointing to self eagerly). Me? 

Mrs. H. {emphatically). No! 

Each {disappointedly). Oh! 

Mrs. H. {with sudden assumption of authority). You 
may all — go! {Drives out each in turn. Samantha lingers 
till last, but is finally induced to go, sweeping out proudly, 
glancing back over shoulder with scorn.) I'll be my own 
cook. I'll get my own meals. Even if we have to live on 
bread and milk, I'll fix it! I can at least understand my 
own language and endure the thought of my own food. If 
I get so I can't do that, I'll just go to a boarding-house 
before I'll ever willingly go through such an experience 
again. But — {sits in despair.) Oh, dear! oh, dear! I won- 
der what Harry will say! 

Curtain. 



The Royal Highway 

By CHARLES ULRICH. 
Price, 25 Cents 

A comedy-drama in 4 acts; 8 males, 3 females. Time, 2% 
hours. Scenes: 3 interiors. Characters: Arthur Morgan, a law- 
yer. Charles Williams, a mine superintendent. Bill Hampton, a 
political boss. Harry Felton, a clerk. Horace Allen, a secretary. 
Rev. Jordan, a Methodist minister. Jimmy Farrell, an ex- convict. 
Sam Harrison, a detective. Margaret Ames, known as Miss 
Holmes. Lucy Matthews, a stenographer. Mrs. Mary Jones, presi- 
dent of the Ladies' Aid Society. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — The game of modern politics. The bribe. Morgan 
defies a political boss. 'Til crush you like I would a fly!" An 
anonymous philanthropist. The compact and avowal of love. The 
robbery and accusation. Margaret saves Morgan's honor. "No, 
it wac; Providence!" 

Act II. — "I wish I had a millionaire friend like Miss Ames!" 
Farrell butts in. "Youse is playing a game of hearts what ain't 
in your contract." Williams divides the spoils. Margaret defies 
Williams, "Where did you get that money?" A villian's kiss and 
punishment. The power of attorney. "You'll be at my feet cry- 
ing for mercy!" 

Act III. — "Who is this anonymous philanthropist?" "The New 
York police are looking for you!" The tables turned. "I'll get 
your measure all right!" The story of Morgan's sorrow. "I could 
not forgive the woman who deceived me!" The nomination and 
accusation. Margaret's joy. "You are indeed a man among men!" 
Act IV. — "This suspense is driving me mad!" The letter. "I'm 
on the track of the man who killed my sister!" The convict's 
secret. "Williams was my pal in Sing Sing!" Margaret reveals 
herself. "Gee! She's an iceberg!" "How little you know of true 
love!" Williams pays the penalty of treachery. Harry's promo- 
tion. On the royal highway. 

Re-Taming of the Shrew 

By JOHN W. POSTGATE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

Humorous Shakespearean travesty in one act; 6 males, 5 females. 
Time, about 45 minutes. One simple interior scene. Characters: 
Petruchio, Angelo, Duke of Illyria, Othello, Macbeth, Grumio, 
Katherine, Mariana, Viola, Desdemonia and Lady Macbeth. Plot: 
After her woeful honeymoon, Katherine becomes an ardent suf- 
fragist and imposes household duties on Petruchio, who submits 
to petticoat government. At a meeting of the women, man's doom 
as a political or domestic power is announced. The women return 
to Petruchio's home to find their husbands having a high old time. 
A lively controversy ensues but the men win the day when they 
threaten to appeal to the divorce courts. This travesty draws 
material from "Taming of the Shrew," "Measure for Measure," 
"Twelfth Night," "Othello" and "Macbeth." It retains many of 
the original lines from the plays, yet most ingeniously devised to 
fit the conditions of today. Costumes either Shakespearean or 
modern. Especially recommended for schools, colleges, etc. Re- 
plete with humor and should please any good club or society. 

T, S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



The Deacon Entangled 

By HARRY OSBORNE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. Scene: 
1 interior. Characters: Deacon Penrose, a member in good stand- 
ing. Calvin, his nephew. Rev. Sopher, a supporter of foreign mis- 
sions Harry Baxter, a sporting writer. Rafferty, a policeman. 
A Plain Clothes Man. Mrs. Penrose. Ruth, her daughter. 
Georgie, Rev. Sopher's daughter. Katy, a maid.' 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — In which the Deacon finds himself in a tight corner. 
Dr. Sopher, who can coax money out of a wooden Indian. A thou- 
sand dollars for the new pipe organ. Cal arrives. A clean-up- 
clouter instead of a ministerial prospect. "Did I forget my necktie 
and button my collar in the back?" The Deacon spends a night 
out. "We won't go home until morning." 

Act II. — The raid on the gambling joint. "Why didn't you 
jump when I told you." On bail. "A thousand dollars to the Doc 
or you lose your job as Deacon; a thousand to the judge or six 
months." A sporting chance. Ready for the game. A donation 
to Foreign Missions and a double barreled courtship. The elope- 
ment. The arrest. "Come on Cal, I'll see you through." 

Act III.— The big game. Tied in the Tenth. Cal goes to the 
box. A Pinch Hitter. "Over the scoreboard." On the Deacon's 
trail — the Horse pistol — pay the fine or go to jail. A hair line 
finish. "Hold on, Copper." "Here's your thousand and here's 
your girl. Look happy and have your picture taken." A new 
son-in-law. "Bother Boarding School." The Deacon smiles. 

A Trial of Hearts 

By LINDSEY BARBEE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

College comedy in 4 acts; 6 males, 18 females. Time, 2^4 hours. 
Scenes: 3 interiors, 1 exterior. Characters: Dudley Van Antwerp, 
a wealthy college man. Philip, his best friend. Roger, Teddy, 
Jack and Jerry, fraternity men. Mrs. Van Antwerp, of great im- 
portance. Honor, Dudley's wife. Fourteen lively sorority girls. A 
chaperone and a maid. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — Gretchen and Jerry play Romeo and Juliet. Ted pleads 
the cause of Kappa Psi. Jack argues for Delta Chi. Dudley intro- 
duces Honor to his mother. Virginia learns of Dudley's marriage. 
"I want to go home — oh, I want to go home!" 

Act II. — The football enthusiasts bring news of Barbara. 
Gretchen and Jerry study Latin and argue fraternity. Honor finds 
it all a little strange. Dudley tells Virginia his love story. "Oh, 
Dudley, you hurt me!" "There's nothing left for me but to go away!" 

Act III. — "I wonder if people ever get too busy to care!" 
Mrs. Van Antwerp opens fire and Honor stands her ground. "I 
mean to stay!" "I wish I had no heart — it aches so!" "Dear 
little girl, it is good-bye." Honor hears Dudley declare his love 
for Virginia. "Oh, Dad -Dad— your little girl is coming home!" 

Act IV.— Gretchen and Jerry "grow up." The Seniors toast 
the past, the present and the future. Mrs. Van Antwerp reproaches 
herself. "Here comes the bride." The Kappa Psis and the Delta 
Chi holds reunions. "Honor, is it really you?" "If you want me, 
I am here." . 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



POPULAR ENTER17 LiBR^fJSSK 

Price, Illustrated Paper C 




HUMOROUS HOMESPUN 
DIALOGUES 




N this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 

DIALOGUES 

AN Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 vears of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 
Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of master minds. 



Sc 




Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 14 Nos., per No. 25c. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. . 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers ,1 54 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



